JJ - A Character Study
by Lyrii
Summary: I'm afraid I'm not very good at titles, so I literally summarised the story in the title. This is canon compliant and was inspired by his short program music - 'Theme of King JJ'. Rated for some discussions around anxiety.


**JJ - A Character Study**

* * *

JJ hadn't always been so confident. Opinionated? Sure. Stubborn? Definitely. But confident? No. That had taken taken years to build up. Months spent hiding in the dark, and even more using the shadows to hide that which he was ashamed of. Then, given time and help, he used the light to hide those same shames, to distract others from the past that haunted him still.

But that's the problem with the past. You can turn your back on it, but it was always there. JJ knew that, refused to acknowledge it even, until the day came when he could ignore it no more.

* * *

It first hit him after his short program.

He had put a smile on for his fans, for his parents and beloved Isabella. He had stood in the kiss and cry, proudly proclaiming that it was "JJ style!", that he would make up for it the next evening. But once those faces left his sight, and the crushing weight of reporters clamouring for a few words moved on to the next victim, he couldn't hold it. His confident mask was cracking beneath his fingers.

He'd rushed ahead of everyone back behind the curtains, to the locker room where his belongings were left. He ignored the looks of his fellow competitors and other coaches, the whispers that echoed despite being unable to understand a word they spoke. All he cared for right then was changing from his outfit, ridding himself of the taint that was seeping into his skin. The pressure was breaking him.

JJ didn't leave the change room stall for half an hour.

* * *

The next day was no better.

He'd gone from being a favourite to win to last in the span of one perfromance. It was all riding on his free skate now, his country hoping for an astounding comeback just as he was. Yet standing against the wall after warm up, looking into the faces of his parents who had sacraficed so much for him, JJ broke again. The cracks were becoming clearer with each second, unleashed with a supressed scream.

"I don't know what to do..!"

And he didn't, as he turned away in shame and glided along the ice to centre stage. He didn't wave to the crowd, didn't acknowledge the judges. He just shifted into his starting pose, his mind screaming in a near silent stadium. JJ was left exposed, cut off from everyone by a rink of ice and blinding spotlights. All he wished for was to run and hide, to forget the world and find comfort in the darkness that had embraced him once before.

"JJ, the music!"

It was his mother's voice, startling him. He'd missed his cue, like an inexperienced child. This wasn't him, this wasn't the person he had built himself up to be. Each step he took to catch up to the music only confirmed that. This was not the king he wanted to be, merely a peasant playing pretend.

And yet he skated. He jumped, he spun, his carefully crafted routine falling apart with each movement. JJ grit his teeth, closing his eyes as he launched his body skyward for another jump, only to step out of it. It wasn't good enough. _He_ wasn't good enough. It had been proved often enough throughout his life.

When he was younger and trying to find a coach to lead him to gold was just one such example. One by one they had all turned him away. He was too cocky, too narcisstic, too opinionated and too stubborn to listen to their advice. Even as a child JJ wanted to be more than just a skater, he wanted to be King of the ice - the next Viktor Nikiforov. Yet here he was, so close to reaching the goal that had pushed him throughout his life, that had lead him away from the darkness that first time and into the spotlight with his very own JJ style. So very close, and throwing it all away with a less than stellar performance.

So he skated, improving as the end drew near. Just a bit longer, he had to hold it back long enough to finish the routine and to the medalling ceremony if he was lucky. No, if the other skaters were unlucky. JJ couldn't give in, not yet.

He heaved, the cheering drowning the thoughts for a moment. When had he finished the routine? Why were they cheering? He didn't deserve it, he had made a mess of it. He had let his family down, his country, his fans and Isabella. The shouldn't be cheering with such enthusiasm and pride.

But he was a skater, and even as his mind reeled his body knew. He glided to the exit, replaced his guards on his skates, and fell into the kiss and cry to await his scores. He didn't even hear them, but the cheering told him he still had to put on one more show for that moment, that he couldn't run and hide just yet.

So with another grin of forced confidence, his arms crossing and fingers curled into shape, he recited the normally cheerful catchphrase for all to hear.

"It's JJ style!"

* * *

He'd gone to the banquet. It hadn't been his choice, but his parents said he had to as a medallist. And his little brother, Caleb, had won a silver in the Junior division. But more than showing support for his brother and fellow competitors, Isabella had wanted to go. She was beginning to form friendships a few people in attendance, striking up some good natured banter with a couple of the senior female skaters. And really, JJ could never deny his fiancee anything. Despite that, he still didn't want to be there.

He'd hid away near the edges after the first hour and a half of forced socialising. He was exhausted, both mentally and physically. Sitting down didn't help him, neither did the food, champange or glasses of water he had consumed. It was way too hot in the crowded room, people talking loudly and pressing in from all sides despite his chosen isolation. Watching Isabella interact with the others didn't distract him as it usually did, only making things worse.

"...JJ?"

It was so quiet, yet the voice calling his name made him jump. He turned, eyes alighting on the silver medallist, one Yuuri Katsuki from Japan. He soon turned away, too ashamed to meet his gaze. Was the man here to rub his failure in the face? JJ knew better than anyone that he did not deserve the bronze medal he had won, that it was a fluke, that anyone else would be a better candidate than him with his subpar performances that weekend.

Katsuki was still there when he looked back up, the Japanese man seeming to stare beyond the cracked facade. And in those eyes framed by blue glasses shone a light. Facial expressions softened, the man prying the flute of champange from his fingers and setting it aside gently. When had he even grabbed that glass? He couldn't remember.

"Let's step outside. You look like you could do with some fresh air."

It wasn't a request. JJ stood obediently, following the man as he skirted the party going on in the room until they reached the quieter corridor. He didn't stop, instead he kept walking further away. JJ shadowed his steps, some of the weight seeming to disappear as the sounds of revelery faded from existence. Then, and only then, did Katsuki pause and turn to him.

JJ waited, expecting words of platitude and congratulations. Reassurances that he had done really well, that his comeback was an amazing feat. That one bad weekend did not mean the end, that he would prove himself at Four Continents, and then again at Worlds. That it didn't matter, because he had still placed. But none of it came, the silence between the two stretching longer and longer.

In some ways, the silence was worse. It was heavy and suffocating, uncertain. He hated that, not knowing, not being sure of himself. Yet, he was afraid to break it first, to speak up. Because the silence, while worse than anything Katsuki might say, was almost as comforting as the dark once was.

"How long?"

A grunt, it was all the energy JJ could muster to voice his confusion.

"How long have you been hiding it, JJ?" Katsuki asked.

those brown eyes seemed to pierce through him once more. There was that same light as before, but he could identify it now. Understanding. A promise that he wasn't alone. JJ wanted to reach for it, to grasp onto the older man as he would a lifeboat in stormy seas. But he couldn't, not yet, not until he was completely sure of what Katsuki referred to.

"What... I don't..."

"Don't lie, JJ. I can see it, I live it," Katsuki paused, his fingers curling into fists as he took a deep breath. JJ watched in morbid fascination as the other mans nails dug into his meaty palms as if the sting of momentary pain grounded him. "You felt it out there on the ice, didn't you? The weight of everyone's expectations pulling you down, preventing you from soaring as normal. That weight robbed you of your breath, consumed the space left behind and every thought you had. It was terrifying, not knowing what would happen next, just that you had to hold on and get back up because _you can't let them all down._

JJ stared at Katsuki in shock. That was it. That was exactly what he had felt given words. It was horrifying that the other skater had read all of that when no one else had, could state it so openly when he himself couldn't even think of confronting it. It was terrifying. It was enlightening.

"How..?" Katsuki's face softened at his voice, the man coming to kneel beside him. When had he fallen to the ground? JJ couldn't recall.

"I experience it too, that same fear and panic you have this weekend. Last year I was in your position, did you know that?" JJ shook his head, he had missed out on watching the other skater at Sochi, having been caught up in interviews when the Japanese man was called to the ice. Yet he watched with interest as Katsuki pulled out his phone and searched google. A couple of clicks later he thrust it into his own hands, a video loading as he looked away in shame. "Just watch that, it may help you understand."

He was scared to press play, but the man beside him terrified him more in that moment. So JJ pressed play, watching as he saw Katsuki take to the ice after being sent off by Celestino from the side. The music began, and JJ could remember when he watched the same routine at Skate America where they both competed to qualify. Except, the routine he was watching on the phone was not that which he remembered. Each jump fell into disaster, the spins Katsuki was known for falling apart, let alone the step sequences that dragged where he usually flew through them. The routine he was watching, a recording of Katsuki's GPF perfromance the previous year, was horrifying to see. Just like his own perfromances had been across the weekend.

And JJ understood, passing the phone back to its owner as confused applause echoed from the speakers. He understood more than he ever thought he would. Why Katsuki had approached him, had led him away from everyone else to talk. It didn't matter that each interaction until now had felt cold and near hostile, because he understood. They understood one another.

"Do you want to retire after this weekend?"

"What?!" JJ exclaimed at the question, completely caught off guard. "No, I love skating! It just... hurts..."

Katsuki nodded, turning to him with an almost proud look.

"Good. You're stronger than I am. Use that strength, what you learned from this and come back at Four Continents with fresh determination. It hurts now, JJ, but you can rise above it."

"But, what if it happens again..?"

Even with Katsuki's spirited speech, his reply was small. What if he did break down again? What if he didn't rise from it next time? Heck, could he even be sure Canada still wanted him to skate for them after today? It was terrifying to consider such a thing.

"It might," Katsuki finally replied, shifting where they sat to face him. Their eyes locked, and JJ found himself unable to look away. "But remember this: you're not alone. You have your family and Isabella to help and support you. You have your country standing behind you. And if you want, I'll be beside you too."

JJ swallowed at that, feeling the emotion well up in his stomach and eyes. The man before him was one of his rivals for gold in the lead up to the GPF. He didn't need to offer his help, but he had. In fact, it would've been perfectly reasonable for the older skater to ignore him completely, or worse, destroy the already crumbling confidence he had left. Instead Katsuki had helped, had pulled him aside for privacy and dug into those cracks in such a way to prove he was not alone, that he could come back from such a crushing defeat and breakdown.

"How do you avoid it?" JJ finally asked, ignoring the bead of water that fell from his left eye. He could show such weakness in front of Katsuki, safe in the knowledge that the other man understood perfectly and would not comment on it. "Falling apart as you step onto the ice again?"

The silence stretched between them again at that question. JJ could see the other man thinking through his answer, wanting to get it right. He waited patiently, not rushing or pushing for the answer. It would come when Katsuki was ready. No, not Katsuki, Yuuri. It would come when Yuuri was ready, the Japanese skater proving himself a friend in the time they had spent sequestered away in a hotel corridor.

"I don't, not always," Yuuri admitted this quietly, almost hesitating as each word was voiced. "I've always been an anxious person, most people know that. At home I'd go for a run, to the ballet studio to dance, or the rink to simply skate. They knew to leave me alone, that I'd come back when ready. At competitions though, well Viktor has helped a lot, and Phichit in the past. Sometimes I need them to hold me as I work through it, other times they keep everyone away from me and just have a bottle of water in hand for when it's over. And sometimes, nothing can be done and I step onto the ice panicking. I just hope for the best when that happens, good or bad."

JJ nodded, letting the information sink in. Yuuri didn't say anything, resettling himself against the wall as he waited in silence. Hearing it had helped, had reassured him that it was okay to panic and break down, that he wasn't the only one to face it. And Yuuri had said he'd always been an axious person. JJ didn't completely know if that was true, but if it was it meant that it didn't matter because he couldn't let it hold him back. Yuuri didn't, and now he was one of the top skaters in the males single division. He had climbed up from a disastrous fall out, which meant JJ could too.

"Thanks." It was all JJ could manage, but Yuuri seemed to understand.

The two of them stood up, stretching out stiff limbs from where they had sat against the cold wall and floor for so long. Slowly they began the trek back to the banquet side by side, the silence between them comfortable compared to when they had left. At one point JJ had passed his phone over, inviting Yuuri to add himself to his contact list. It took but a second to save the number, a message being sent to the Japanese man so he could do the same before both phones were slipped into the pockets they came from.

JJ could hear the sounds of revelry growing louder now, but this time he didn't want to hide from it as he had before. Instead he walked into the midst of the celebrations with Yuuri, a smile growing on his face as people waved at the two. A couple of voices asked where they went to, but neither replied, even as their respective partners came over to greet them and asked the same. Instead the two skaters placated them with promises of explaining later as they separated.

Later that night, when JJ went to sleep, he felt lighter than he had since his free skate. Of course, one could argue the champagne had a role in that, but the Canadian knew otherwise. He wasn't better, but with Yuuri's help he had taken a step in the right direction.

* * *

**Hello, Lyrii here. **

Welcome to my first ever piece I've posted here. I don't expect feedback or anything, just you taking the time to read this is enough. Besides, I've been sitting on this for a couple of years so I am sure someone else has posted something similar to this by now. If not, lucky me! This is also my first character study, so I hope you enjoy it.

**2918 words**


End file.
